Brian Sawyer

Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing

Even if the topic were not especially timely for me, I’m sure I’d still get a kick out of Not Without My Handbag’s “Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing” (the funniest thing I’ve seen online since “10 worst album covers of all time“):

It’s simple. Some parents are just plain crazy. But few are as crazy as many soon-to-be parents, who, wrapped up in the fear and anticipation, the social status and expectations, go just plain mad. Mad as march hares with swollen ankles and morning sickness.

The following is a catalog of naming questions and suggestions posted on several different baby naming bulletin boards going back as far as early 2001. All entries are left unedited except for length.

As you will see, some parents-to-be have gone so far into the realm of baby-obsession they have lost track of the real, adult world. Their view is so skewed their only concerns are a) making their child “unique” and b) trying to keep the kid from being teased, often with terrible results.

Steel yourself, take a few deep breaths, and read.

Though you’ll want to take the time to relish the many, many pages of ridiculous names and humorous responses for yourself, here’s a quick sample:

Ridiculous Name: i have a 20-year old son named case mitchell and an 18-year old daughter named cheyenne autumn. my daughter has some of the most beautiful red hair in the world so her name fits her to a tee.

Response: Not only does she have beautiful red hair, Cheyenne Autumn stars James Stewart and Richard Widmark and is regarded by many critics to be John Ford’s most cynical of his later Westerns. She runs 2 hours, 35 minutes and is available on VHS.

Trust me; they get even funnier. Thank goodness I was warned away from names like Catatonia and Melancholia before it was too late!